I usually don’t reblog anything but 1) this was the best thing I’ve ever seen and 2) maybe I should start now since I haven’t posted in 300 years.
"Female virtue has been held in suspicion from the beginning of the world, and ever will be."
Napoleon, before commencing to affirm, “bitches ain’t shit but hos and tricks.”
This has got to be the best painting of Napoleon in history. I dare you to find a better one.
Caption contest is a go.
Piggybacking off of the Marengo post.
Napoleon didn’t own a horse in his youth (what a loser, right?). He learned to ride later in life. And he totally sucked at it. He fell off more than a few times, and he had poor “seat,” that is, he couldn’t friggin position his sweet ass correctly on the horse and hold on properly with his legs. In effect, he “rode like a butcher…whilst galloping, his body rolled backwards and forwards and sideways, according to the speed of his horse.” Doesn’t that make for a hilarious mental image?
Never though I’d be using this blog to post pictures like this.
Above is the preserved and nearly complete (a hoof is missing) skeleton of Napoleon’s favorite horse, Marengo. You probably know the horse as the emperor’s vehicle of choice in the endlessly badass David painting. He was named after the Battle of Marengo, through which he carried Napoleon.
Marengo was truly a horse worthy of its amazing master. The horse was small (like Napoleon! you’d say, but you’d be wrong), only 14.1 hands high (that’s 56.4 inches), but he served Napoleon well through four battles, including his last stand at Waterloo. When Napoleon was defeated, Marengo was captured.
One interesting thing about this horse is that he was an Arabian, a dainty breed that was an odd choice for a war horse when sturdier Throroughbreds were available. I guess Napoleon just refused to go along with the crowd. Hipster.
(Additional source: Wikipedia)
Napoleon is not necessarily known for being a compassionate man.
But when it comes to the children of Israel, he was a really friggin nice dude.
In his Civil Code of 1804, Napoleon granted religious freedom to all sorts of bitches in France, mainly Calvinists (Huguenots, for those who remember their AP Euro) and Lutherans. However, Jews continued to be treated poorly (so what else is new?).
When he learned of the plight of the Jews (how many times has that phrase been used in history? A million? Probably), Napoleon took swift action. This deliciously sympathetic BAMF closed down the ghettos, allowing Jews to live wherever their oppressed little hearts desired, and he allowed them to go to synagogue, something they couldn’t do before (because apparently “religious freedom” in a Civil Code is read as “for everyone but those goddamn Jews” by the law enforcement officials until Napoleon gets involved personally okay I’m done).
Throughout his career, the sexy emperor defended Jews consistently, and offered them equality in France, something they couldn’t get in most European countries.
The Jewish people were so grateful, they wrote a special prayer for the emperor.
Have you ever done anything so good, someone wrote you a freaking prayer?
Okay I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “whatever, dude, Napoleon would do anything if it would help him out, so he probably had something to gain for helping Jews and shit, right?”
Jews were a serious minority in France. They had no political clout. They could have gone on being oppressed and have posed no threat to Napoleon, and saving them did abosolutely no good to the emperor and his power. In fact, it caused
Napoleon’s boyfriend Tsar Alexander to protest France and Napoleon’s rule, because we all know how much Russians hate Jews.
So basically, Napoleon’s sympathy toward the Jews was out of the kindness of his heart.
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF ANYTHING LIKE IT?
God I love him so much.
You’re a good man, Bonaparte.
I suppose someday I should address the thousands of soldiers he just let die in battle.
A good man.
Like many of us, when he was growing up, Napoleon hated the French, because they took over his home island of Corsica. That might explain his compulsion to take over territories, but not why he chose to glorify France in the process. You weirdo, Napoleon. I love you.
Many myths about Napoleon’s life have been perpetuated throughout history. The most enduring ones seem to be about his height. In fact, a video we watched in AP European History stated that Napoleon was 5’2”. If you don’t have measuring tape near you, just go ahead and assume that he was shorter than you are. That’s…pretty short, guys.
But according to the far more reliable Wikipedia, he was actually 5’7”, as I mentioned in the introductory post. That was “average height for the period.”
That may still seem short to many of you 6’ scoffasauruses. But many talented, attractive and downright badass men, even today, have been 5’7” or shorter.
- Elijah Wood (fantastic actor, great voice, cute in glasses)
- Tom Cruise (attractive, insane)
- Jon Stewart (hilarious, Jewish)
- Billy Joel (talented, universally appealing)
- Dustin Hoffman (vintage hot, crossdressed for a great movie)
- Elton John (nothing needs to be said)
- Seth Green. SETH GREEN. SETH MOTHERFUCKING GREEN.
In conclusion: if you make fun of Napoleon’s height, you’re also dissing these fine gentlemen.
Addendum: Seth Green’s attractiveness can hardly be contained in this post.